1. Listen without interrupting…even if you’re hearing absolute baloney. This is not easy, and it’s not about giving in, either. It’s about setting the stage so that you can figure out how to best respond. Jumping in and cutting someone off will only jeopardize your ability to make your point.
2. Repeat back what the person just said, and do it without sarcasm, twisting their words, or changing their content. This is even harder than step one, and it sure feels unnatural. Seriously, it’s bad enough to have to listen to a bunch of malarkey, but to have to repeat it back calmly and non-judgmentally? Sheesh. It’s a lot to ask, but it works. Not because you are capitulating (though it may feel that way), but because you want to prepare yourself for responding in way that will ensure that you will be heard. A good start to this parroting exercise: “I just want to make sure I understand…”
3. Let the other person confirm that you understood their issue. End your parrot schtick with “Did I get it right?” or some such statement. And remember: understanding their issue doesn’t mean you agree with them. People love to be heard and understood. Once they are, moving forward is so much easier.
4. Let silence be your friend. Trumpeter Miles Davis taught jazzbos that the space between the notes is just as important as the notes themselves. Don’t be afraid to pause before you react. In fact, you may need a few moments to breathe deeply after steps 1-3, which can be exhausting
5. Give assertive and constructive feedback. I’ve never met someone who has responded to, “You, sir, are an ignoramus and a cad,” with a sincere, “My god man, you are so right; through your candor, I have had an epiphany. Hence forth I shall be a mensch – this I vow.” Here are the steps for giving someone a difficult message in a way that will reduce the probability of a defensive response:
—Start with something positive. Is there anything you like/appreciate/don’t hate about the person? Point it out. Reflect that you care about the relationship. Tell them you appreciate their willingness to address a tough issue, and try your very best not to qualify it with a “but” of any kind.
—Be specific. “You’ve always been a slob and never clean up after yourself,” will not get you as far as, “I noticed that last night you left empty tequila bottles in the apartment.” As a rule, try to avoid using the words “always” and “never” in giving feedback, because they’re almost always never true.
—Explain the impact of the person’s actions on you. Tell them how it made you feel, “As roommates, we’re a team, so I felt disrespected/dismissed/unimportant/ignored when you didn’t clean up the joint last night.”
—Ask the person for ideas on how to move forward. Brainstorm on solutions. Repeat all previous steps as needed.
6. Let your body do the talking. We can say whatever we want, but it’s our non-verbal communication that makes all the difference. Open body language (like uncrossed arms) and a cow-face (a look of nonjudgmental, bovine curiosity) can go a long way. My friend Jeff Thompson, writes extensively on, and is getting a PhD in, this stuff
7. Go easy on the venting. Freud’s followers are into the cathartic value of letting off steam. Sure, it can feel good to get all up in someone’s face if they’ve done you wrong, but there’s a diminishing return on venting. It will not only rile up the other person, it’ll escalate your own anger. So, before you attempt any of the above, make sure you’re not in a high state of emotional arousal.
So, good luck…now go out there and generate some conflicts so you can practice.
Thus ended my fleeting foray into the astrology hustle. Check out Kiki’s book The Celestial Sexpot: Astrological Tips for Satisfying, Seduction, and Ultimate Love (the only book in which I’m acknowledged in the credits).